My story and writing THE COLLECTION
After graduating from college in biology, I married my wonderful, creative, and intelligent husband in 1977. We had so much in common, especially our faith. Yet, soon after the honeymoon, he sensed me drifting away . I eventually sensed it, too. What had gone wrong? We were two educated and strong Christians. Why did we have so many problems?
In the mid-80’s, before my mother got cancer, after about 12 years of marriage, I went to counseling to get help for the distance I felt between Brent and me (my father had already died). In those months before she died, I healed enough so that I could understand her better. I began to feel more compassion for her suffering from depression (she was bipolar). The night she died I woke up to music being sung in my head. I heard In His time, in His time. He makes all things beautiful in His time… (In His Time, by Diane Ball). Through this song the Lord assured me that although my mom struggled deeply in this life, He had made her beautiful in heaven. She was at peace with her joy completed. What a blessing after seeing her in deep emotional confusion and distress for so many years!
In the 90’s, when our sons were small, the Lord started me on a healing journey in answer to numerous prayers. Why did I get sick so easily, especially when I went through even a little stress? Why did headaches put me to bed? Why did I have so many other health problems? At someone’s suggestion, I asked the Lord to show me if I had any emotional pain in my past that contributed to my poor health. I couldn’t remember anything very bad that had happened but I invited the Lord to reveal the truth to me. Guess what? He answered my prayer. The Lord opened the floodgates! Pain came pouring out.
I was stunned—as I had completely dissociated from these terrible betrayals and many hideous abuses. My life exploded and was turned completely upside down. In the past, I had mostly operated out of my head—cut off from my feelings. Now I was thrown into an emotional roller coaster that was passing through a tornado.
How was I to bring these hurts to Jesus? Where was healing in the Bible? I had so many questions!
I started to process the buried traumatic memories with the wonderful help of several special counselors, pastors, and prayer ministers, as well as dear friends who have prayed for me. Most traumatic memories caused me to get sick. When I got well, we worked on healing. This went on year after year as layer after layer of trauma surfaced.
My husband was shocked when the memories first came. “Do you know how disconcerting this is for me?” he said. “I married one woman and now I’m married to a completely different person than I originally knew!”
“Disconcerting for you? What about me?” I cried. “I’ve lived my whole life thinking I had one kind of childhood and now these nightmares are completely overwhelming me. Do you know how horrible and disconcerting it is to realize that I was severely sexually abused by various men throughout my childhood and I completely forgot it???” We were both stunned. My past as we had known it was now an unknown black, dark hole.
I looked for people who understood my journey, but in the early 1990’s not very many people were talking about sexual abuse, incest, or rape. So I searched the scriptures. Over and over the Lord led me to Psalms where David cried out to God in his anguish as evil men sought to destroy him. I went to Isaiah to find God’s comfort in the midst of tragedies. The gospels showed me the love and compassion of Jesus. I gained hope in God’s judgment of evil and in a future new heaven and a new earth when we will be with God forever and ever without pain or tears. (Please see the specific scriptures that spoke to my heart on the RESOURCE page.)
The memories shook me to the core as I came to grips with my devastating past. Our lives became a roller coaster. I would feel emotions but maybe not know that they had to do with a memory for a few days or even a week. Then the details would emerge—often with great anger and excruciating pain—along with emotional and physical flashbacks. One memory might take one or more weeks to heal. Then another one would come—or two at a time… We only got through these 30+ years with the Lord’s constant presence and help as well as the wonderful prayer support and love from dear friends and godly counselors. After a time, Brent slowly learned to walk alongside me through these difficult years gaining a tremendous amount of patience and learning to pray in a whole new way for his wife. In the recent years, often, before I have had a breakthrough, he has been spiritually attacked—for one to several days before. He has become a warrior and a protector of my heart. His faith and walk with God has dramatically changed through my healing.
During the first few years of this journey, songs poured out of me expressing deep pain and how the Lord was comforting me. Often I would fall in bed exhausted at night only to hear the first few words and music of a new song playing in my head. I couldn’t sleep until I went to the piano and wrote them down.
I believed the original songs were prompted by the Holy Spirit but I still needed to craft the lyrics. So after I worked on the lyrics, I took most new songs to Ethel Herr’s wonderful writers group. These lovely women helped me further refine the lyrics so they would be written in a manner that would best minister to others and be redemptive. Then the collection was taken to several people I knew—a couple of therapists, my pastor, a college English teacher, and a dean of a seminary—to have them reviewed. Each person gave invaluable insights and suggestions. This process took about four years. Since then, I’ve written a few other songs, some of which I’ve added to the originals. (I’ve also written This is the Time, the music for a children’s musical and a church Christmas musical, Who is the Man?, a musical seeing Jesus through Peter’s eyes, and other unrecorded worship songs.)
During this process, I realized I needed more music training. Although I had played the piano, cello, and later the guitar while growing up, I had not had much music theory. Two years at an excellent junior college opened up my horizons and broadened my musical perspectives.
After making a demo in the mid-90’s and sensing it was not the time to record the whole collection further, I set it aside. Then I went through increasingly more intense healing. I’m still in process now, but not triggering as in the past. I used to burst into tears in public places, grow very anxious or fall apart for no “apparent” reason. I sobbed in church many Sundays. The gentle Lord Jesus started restoring and putting me back together, little by little. As I faced the truth about those who betrayed and wounded me, I let out a lot of grief, rage and hatred. I struggled with my desire for revenge. Eventually, I learned to forgive others as well as myself.
As I healed from incest and other abuse, which included being trafficked to individuals and groups over several decades (this took many years to uncover), I slowly came to trust the heavenly Father. He who once felt so distant is now much closer and dearer to me. I now trust Him as my “Abba”. I have also grown more in awe of the glorious Lord Jesus who left His glory, power, and honor in heaven to be born into our evil world. Even in the midst of a twisted world, He consistently ministered with patience and kindness. He even forgave His enemies while tortured and in agony on the cross. Over the years, I have been drawn closer and closer to the Lord of Love.
When it was the Lord’s time to record the whole collection, I wanted to make it acoustic—soft and uncluttered. During times of depression and headaches I didn’t want something blasting me. I couldn’t handle more anxiety or noise. When I listened to music, I needed songs that brought comfort and quiet—soothing my shattered soul.
There was only one person I knew whom I considered to play the piano arrangements for the albums—an old friend, Joe Howard—an outstanding musician. We had worked together in children’s music in two churches. I felt that he could, through his anointed improvisational arrangements, offer hurting people beauty and loveliness while they healed from pain. I was delighted with his wonderful, creative, and awesome arrangements! You can go to the RECORDING TEAM page to see the rest of the wonderful people who helped me produce this COLLECTION.
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Heavenly Father, as Your child listens to the music You birthed in my heart, reads the poetry that flowed from my soul, and seeks Your healing, may You surround them with Your gentle kindness and fill them with Your overflowing love. May the tender Shepherd who reached out to me, touch their heart, encourage their spirit, and lead them in Your amazing way.
